You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
false alarm, still single
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
