Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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