Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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