i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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