I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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