I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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