Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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