i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
