I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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