My hand turned me down
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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