You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
