24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
