Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize