Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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