apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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