I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
