this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
