this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
