I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
