i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
