Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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