All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
