my mouth tastes like poor choices
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
