if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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