doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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