it was like his penis was on wheels.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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