My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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