people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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