He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
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