I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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