guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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