I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
