I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
