I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
