Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
