ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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