Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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