whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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