and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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