guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
