Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
birth control should be required to get into college
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
