I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
