I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
