and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
