i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Randomize
