I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
