my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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