Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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