My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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