you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
