I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
