i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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