My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
