You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
