I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
