Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize