i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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