call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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