Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize