this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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