someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
How external is "for external use only"?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
