even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
